5/21-23/20

Spent Thursday getting ready to see RD then Friday and Saturady with RD - MUCH better mood.  Took meds minus Vraylar.  Made short ribs.

Nothing much to say about all this - we had a good time singing and playing music and then playing round in bed then recovering from the drinking that went with all that.  We had an awesome time.  He loves me and I love him.

5/20/20

Okay lost a day - I was not unhappy but stressed idk why and drank last night and hungover today - not good.  Thankfully I am out of alcohol and will not buy more for a while AND I found my xanax so I have that to rely on for panic/anxiety.  So that is good - my mood is okay today thankfully as well  So some good news for a change.  I am shaky and dizzy so just kicking it also my thinking isn't clear so avoiding social media for the most part.  Market2Go delivered some food - I had some jasmine green tea with chevre and rye crackers YUM.  I am seeing RD on Friday not tomorrow thankfully and works out great as I am behind plus raining tomorrow anyway.  I don't like to drive long distances in it if I don't have to.  Raining today and loving it.  My body is super sensitive right now so not sitting outdoors cuz I tried and it hurts my back.  It would be good if I found some cushions for the chairs outside cuz they are metal and so hurt to sit on for very long.   Been having some paranoia not too terrible just more an annoyance but anything truly is better than depression and so I will put up happily with some mild paranoia any day of the week in comparison to depression.

Overall lovely day (minus not getting anything productive done) and going to end it with peach ice cream YUM.  Tomorrow for sure pick up the Remeron already. I think I have gone a week or more without.  If I sleep well again tonight I might not go back on the Remeron and only take Vraylar, assuming I can find it, as needed instead of daily as I think one or the other of those drugs was the cause of the sleeping problem.

5/18/20

Went to bed 10p and woke 6am which is an ideal amount of sleep.  Maybe the remeron was actually keeping me from sleeping.  I can't find my remeron, xanax or vraylar which it is extremely unusual for me to misplace any medicine much less 3 of them but I seem to be doing better without them.  However I am relying on alcohol for stress instead of xanax and the xanax is better for you than alcohol so that is not ideal..

Today it's supposed to rain YAY!

I have PT today.

Woke feeling disguested with myself again - not pleasant but I dismissed it and my mood is not too terrible.  When I think about working on soap or sales or anything I feel sad and panic-ed and like it is just too much but the only way to go is up so IDK what I am frightened of or maybe I just feel tired?  Why?  

I see RD Thursday - hopefully he can kick this mood's arse!

Ya know I would neveer strip anyone of thier happiness but I do get a bit envious that I cannot just maintain being happy when I see many people are capable of it.  When I AM happy it is hard to relate to people who are depressed and the only reason I can is cuz I have been there.  When unhappy I realize just how MUCH of a big difference there is between the moods.  It is easy to take a natural happiness for granted without realizing it because it feels normal and it is hard to imagine unless you HAVE been there what anyone could be talking about when discussing an inability to function due to low mood.  But it is a physical thing as much as mental - my eyesight is different, my energy is different, I feel more physical pain - shoot I lost 3 out of 6 of my meds that I am supposed to take daily and I cannot bother the drs here in GA about it cuz they are not as understanding as CA drs by and large - I mean who cares that disorganization is actually a symptom of bipolar I am still responsible for keeping track my meds even when I literally am unable to do so no matter how hard I try - doesn't matter that it is illogical or impractical to expect that I should be able to do something I can't physically do it is still my responsibility.  At least in some states it is understood that this is in fact part of the disease.

It WAS supposed to rain today 80% chance - stupid forecasts only are sometimes correct - cannot be counted on.

I am dangerously depressed actually - my mind keeps looking for escapes and of course death would be an easy out if only I could figure a way to actually accomplish it.  A happy Cyn would say the good times are worth all the pain but I think she forgets how bad the pain is.

taking 2 geodon instead of one - maybe will feel better tomorrow.....sigh

345p going to bed

5/17/20 love

Went to bed at 10p woke at 3a.  sigh

I woke feeling disgust and shame - these are so radically different emotions than what I am accustomed to it is frightening.  I am trying to be super kind to myself right now.  Just ya know mentally saying it's okay they are just emotions and I don't have to believe them or give them weight.  I DO love myself.  It took most my life to get to a place where this is absolutely true.  When I look in the mirror I smile at myself and think I''m awfully cute - which this is really obviously a subjective thing - certainly I was cuter when I was younger however I didn't recognize it then but actually thought I was ugly.  Now I don't think that at all.  I have grown accustomed to thinking I am sexy and pretty - regardless of whether this is true or not just believing it has made a huge difference in not only how I perceive myself but also how others perceive me.  So I am going to give myself a hug and a pat on the back on the back - literally - one CAN do this to oneself and mean it and it feel reassurring.  To me that would have seemed a ridiculous notion a decade ago and would have felt silly doing it but I just did and it doesn't feel silly at all.  I deserve it for many many reasons and it does feel good.  So maybe practice what that woman had told me to do for a while - which is write about what I like about myself and life in general.

I think I am beautiful and smart and sexy and fun.  I have a dark sense of humor and can seem jaded but also very vulnerable and honest and both radical and shy at the same time.  This is intriguing to people that I sooo put myself out there yet also show my soft side.  I am very genuine with people even when I am teasing I say so to make sure it is known that I am being facetious or silly on purpose.  I let people in to my life easily and I don't play head trips on folks and don't allow them to do so with me and if they do I will either play back just a touch or drop them or simply ignore them.  I love to be creative but I am very particular about what I do.  For instance I love to paint but I paint mostly landscapes and in oils.  I will stray from that from time to time.  But I like the way oils work on canvas and I like the mess and the smell of the turpentine and it just makes me feel legit an artist or something LOL.  I often find myself amusing and am easy to laugh at myself and usually don't take myself so seriously as I have been lately.  And I love that about myself - it is the only way to go really in life  It is wise to not take oneself too seriously.  I do have wisdom and I have earned it!

I love my home - it may not look like it right now but I do.  Maybe I will do some decorating.  Funny a friend said I should really make it my space but anyone who knows me could look at this house and say for sure this is Cynthia's house as it DOES look like I live here what with all the wiccan stuff scattered about, the painting and soaping stuff and the general disaray.  At least I know where most everything is located even if it looks like a disaster zone LOL.  I love my pond (that I share with a few other homes).  It is 3.5 acres and when I look outside it looks like I am the only one who lives here as my neighbors are spaced out and across the pond is no one.  It is comforting in the quietness yet living in the city limits I have immediate access to everything.

I'm going to have some jasmine green tea and listen to nature sounds on youtube.  I have a really good friend who I know wants to talk and I want to please her but right now I am not up for anything loud or silly or anything even slightly dramatic or anything serious sooooo... that doesn't leave much excpet for quiet and we don't do quiet well - we are loud and obnoxious which I love about us but am not ready for right this moment.  Maybe later.

Today I am going to my nephew's graduation party.  This is the first time the whole family has gotten together since Covid19.  I do believe the restrictions against meeting in gatherings exceeding 10 has been lifted but I am not sure - I think it is a calculated risk but I am not the only one feeling blue and we all just really need this for various reasons.  I need to do everything in my power to keep my mood light enough to attend this gathering.  I have gas in my car.  I need only shower do my hair and makeup dress and go spend a couple hours and come back.  Hopefully it will aid me get back on my feet.

The witch is in

soaps

painting half done

taking belbuca but cannot find the Vraylar which I know I just filled not too long ago - grr. LOL  This house is such a mess no wonder I can't find it!!  

When the sun comes up I shall water my plants and then take a shower and at 1040a leave to go to the graduation party.

5/16/20 why suicide is such a joke

First off I stink at comitting suicide.  I have tried about a dozen times and there simply aren't enough pills to do it - one time took 2 x 300 pill bottles of ibuprofen - did nothing.  Another time I took every pill I could find in my house and I was on like 8 meds plus I keep old meds and have had MANY med changes - I thought FOR SURE that would do the trick as it was probably somewhere between 700-900 pills all said taken in handfuls very fast.  I was paralyzed for about 24 hrs 12 or so of which I was awake for then the next day back to normal.  I hadn't even gotten scared when I woke but couldn't move.  I had left on the TV so just watched that.  When you care sooo little about your own life it is not a selfish act it is a psychotic act - you are literally soooo off your rocker you cannot see straight and there simply is no fear just the absolute necessity to escape due to the amount of pain you are in.  

Second I am not psychotic now so therefore I know this is termporary and I will move past it at any moment and things go back to looking up - and I mean REALLY UP because I have no reason whatever to be unhappy with myself or my life - it HAS to be chemical!  So why is suicide a joke?  Because when I am this gloomy it is the very first thought that comes to mind - like a pavlovian response - it seems almost instinctual for me to want to get out of me ASAP!  Knowing this is temporary and being of sound enough mind to recognize that, in this case it WOULD be selfish to commit suicide - but here is the rub one truly only goes there (for psychological reasons) when one IS psychotic so if I should become psychotic then all bets are off - it is possible but unlikely that should happen.  But bottom line is if I should end dead know, anyone reading this, that some switch in my mind flipped to where I can no longer think straight!  (the only case of suicide that is not due to being psychotic I can see is if one has a terminal illness or are headed to prison for life or some other circumstance like extreme physical pain with no end in sight...in your life that is sooo terrible the SANE thing to do IS to take yourself out.  Otherwise when people say it is selfish or a cry for help - ridiculous notion and said sooo often - they are wrong rather the person has crossed over to delusional.  And believe it or not being crazy does not reduce one's IQ so a person who is delusional may make sense logically and even make extremely good arguments or sound very convincing - the way to tell they are psychotic is if their reality does not seem to match the true reality.  They are believing things that are highly unlikely to be true.  Like I have been so out of it that I have convinced others that so and so is out to kill me because my psycho mind can still come up with proof and good arguments etc to back up my beliefs LOL - tis ironic)

If I look at my life circumstances right now objectively I can say that I should be very very happy right now.  I am in a very good relationship. I have family and friends who care for me that are all super understanding and caring. I have a nice place to live and plenty of food.  I have all kinds of things I can do here should I get up the energy.  So objectively things are ACES right now!  But my mood is DARK as all get out!!!  Truly HAS to be chemical in nature and temporary.  I SHALL come back to my normal self!!  In the meantime I shall continue to try various strategies to force myself back to more normal.  

5/15/20 symptoms on top of symptoms

Okay slept from about 11p-1a grrrrrr.  Tried another flexeril - just made me even more restless.  Changed my mind -obviously the vraylar is not what kept me from sleeping.  So I am taking my belbuca and vraylar early.  I am getting hot flahses followed by chills.  As if I weren't symptomatic enough.

Austin's graduation is today - I intend to rest up hopefully get more sleep, take a shower and be there - it is at 3pm.  If I am unable at least I tried.  It's being held in cars which is going to be interesting - not sure how they are going to pull it off.  

I am feeling frustrated to my limit!  And helpless.  Like I have no control here - maybe an illusion but I seem victim to these symptoms - I wish I knew what to do to make myself right again.  Eating very nutritionally dense stew and taking viatmins has done nothing.  Some nights I have drank and I thought that was helping me sleep but nope - last night from about 6p-9p I had like 4 shots when I went to sleep around 11p I was hoping for another 7 hrs but looks like drinking does not help afterall.  At least I was in a slightly better mood for a few hours.  I will skip drinking tonite and I want to do my exercises at the very least today for my back.  Pick up my remeron and see if it helps me sleep tonite.

I had gone to the doc a week ago and they have not got back to me about my blood test - I guess if something were terribly wrong they would have but maybe call them today to see if they have results.

Another hot flash - that makes 4 tonite grrr - heat flashes last about 2 minutes and are followed by being cold

Okay slept about 3-4 more hrs - wake 7am

I wanna be writing about all I am getting done and how I feel good about it!!  Grrrr  I woke a half an hour agao and still super sleepy.  Drifted off yet again and missed the graduation.  Damnit!!!  ARGH!!!  Plus I didn't p/u the remeron.  I could scream!  I honestly don't have the energy to do so.  I guess sometime when I was up earlier today I called the doc and they said my vitamin B and folate are fine.  They didn't test my liver enzymes - I guess I should have reminded them but it is in their records which I guess they didn't check that my liver was due to be tested and I had missed that appt - I assumed they'd do it now but I guess not.  When I get THIS frustrated I just want to give up.  But I know life will bring me back round to where I am having fun again I just have to WAIT THIS SHIT OUT!!! GRRRRRRRR

5/14/20

I did end up falling back to sleep and slept til 9a which is good.  I called the pharmacy the Remeron is ready - wondering though now if I really do need it to sleep or if it is at all helping with depression.  Maybe skip both remeron and vraylar and see how my mood/memory/sleeping probs do??

A couple days away from social media has me more calm.  My mood is eh - but I want to go back to having fun / celebrating life however I can manage that - put on a good attitude!!  I am still sleepy and fuzzy though.

Okay several hours later still sleepy - keep nodding off and shaky.  I think the vraylar gave me a boost which was great and if it weren't for all the really bad side affects I would be most grateful for the drug - but to lose memory and not sleep at night and not be able to lose weight and all this fuzzy thinking (although that is recent, since I hit my head so not sure related plus a symptom of fibromyalgia so maybe I am experiencing that not due to vraylar) isn't worth the boost in energy.  If I had continued to be productive I WOULD be willing to give up memory, sleeping and weight loss in exchange for better mood plus productivity but now that the productivity has changed to being sooo off my game I can't get stuff done it is just too many negatives without enough positives.  I will probably take it tomorrow - maybe it can work for me every other day??  Also going 2 months on it then cutting it off without a tapering down even if just one day of tapering is still better than none - I think?  Actually since on such a low dose I think just skip it altogether and try to just stay awake during daylight hours and sleep at night as best I can until this tiredness wears off - seems like I had in just 2 months gotten used to the boost in energy so that it no longer worked.  If I wasn't sooo terribly worried about my memory I might suggest to the dr to increase the drug but the memory is soooo bad it really wouldn't be acceptable to make it even worse.

Okay back to scary movies even if just to wake up!!  Try to consciously move my body so I don't end up soooo sore from sitting tensed up in one position sooo long as I did yesterday - this is me celebrating life?  Watching scary movies?  Why not paint, make soap, clean the house - oh this is the part where I give myself a hard time for feeling uninterested in being productive.  I saw a thing saying everyone has trouble motivating and it is just will power.  That is not true for me!  When I am productive I have ZERO problem motivating and am excitied and happy to go - when I am like this I look at stuff and get tired even looking at it much less trying it - so why give myself a hard time.  Biplars have ups and downs in mood - am I a slave to it?  Pretty much!!!  When I am go go go it is awesome when I am not I am not.  I did try afterall just a few days ago a bunch of tactics to try to alter my mood and it was a disaster soooo... - I did at least some work was it yesterday?  ya yesterday after watching a scary movie so trying that again!!!

Nope didn't work ....sigh.... I think I just picked too dark a movie.  It was depressing more than frightening.  So what?  vodka at least will allow some sleep - it puts me in a better mood - but like I had said before I don't really like relying on it medicinally.  Still I have had a couple shots and I feel more normal even if still not productive at least I felt well enough to do a little catching up on facebook.  But I am leaving it at that as I TRULY do not want to run into something that is going to upset me - so stayed on only positive topics and skipped over anything negative and when replies came back ignored them jic they are argumentative as I truly cannot go there right now AND be nice about it LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  Watching law and order reruns again - not exactly a celebration of life but I shall watch Star Treks that I haven't seen before and eat a big bowl of mostly vegetable with a little meat stew for dinner and hopefully sleep well tonite.  At least I am eating some good for ya food  And I drank a bunch of tea today - but forgot the vitamins - in fact I think I forgot to eat altogether??  No I ate a salad - good!  But I barely remember and did I take vitamins?  maybe I did actually - but it shouldn't be this hard to remember what was just like idk 5 hrs ago?  I think I stayed mostly keto/intermittant fasting today so score on that one if I did LOLOLOLOLOL

I wonder if when I am feeling better I will keep up the journal.  I think I started the journal not so much to deal with the empath issue but because I wasn't feeling right and soooo many people had suggested it.  It will only show me how my life is working if I do it long term and am willing to look back on it and note some things that go together with other things and see if there is a pattern here that I can alter in order to get more control here.  As it is I DO feel like a slave to my moods.  So journaling is not so much about empath/not empath or what is empath - I think I resolved everyone is - just some people are MUCH MORE so - like any human behavior falls on a bell curve.  The psychopaths who feel nothing would be at the small percentage far left hand side, the people who feel empathy for their fellow human beings are probably picking up more than they realize but not so much that it negatively impacts their lives nor so much it allows them to be particularly good at listening would be in the middle highest percentage and highest point of the bell curve, then those of us who feel people's emotions before they even speak or move or are aware of a space's energy belong on the small percentage right hand side of the curve.  I think I am fairly settled with that - so therefore everyone sans the psychopaths of the world are empaths of varying degree is what I conclude.  I get overly affected - somehow I need to learn to control it not only when I am in a good place - when I am strong - but also when I am vulnerable or weak or in a poor mood otherwise pay the conseqences.  As to how to do this maybe some research is in order!!

5/14/20 irksome doesn't begin to describe

Okay so slept a whole 2 1/2 hrs.  But I am missing my Remeron and the flexeril and xanax didn't knock me back out unfortunately.  I can't keep this up.  I think it is the vraylar that is robbing me of my memory and my sleep plus it seems it is making it difficult to lose weight to top it off.  I think I shall go a few days without it and see if my fuzzyheadedness clears some and I can sleep better.  The nights that I did sleep I drank to accomplish it and I don't wish to be drinking for medicinal purposes.  Rather only wish to drink for enjoyment.  And only when I feel like it not when I feel I need to - that is a backasswards way to use alcohol and should be avoided or else become addicted again.  Seems I can self-regulate to a good degree though thank the Goddess, lords and ladies!  

For a while there when I was depressed I had been unable to stop really but I don't seem depressed rather I seem downright ill.  And I don't know if it's cuz I hit my head so badly or if it's the medication but the memory and sleeping problems both came BEFORE I hit my head therefore it stands to reason it is the vraylar or the mix of vraylar with the belbuca - which I am unwilling to give up the belbuca which seems to give me some motivation although not lately - it had been - I think things turned around when I started taking the vraylar - at first a better mood but with more problems like these I have been becoming more and more frustrated and blaming myself for something I think is bio-chemical and not within my control - except that I can stop the meds.  I think I'll skip a day then take one one day then skip everyday thereafter unless I suffer some kind of nasty consequences for skipping the drug.  That seems the easiest most reasonable way to kind of taper off the drug as it is a capsule and cannot be broken in half really.  Otherwise I  would take half pills for a couple days then quit.

So what of today then?  Maybe I will having not taken any vraylar have some difference in behavior - we shall see.  I sure as hell hope so.  I don't feel up to going online but I know people will worry about me if I do not plus ...well I was gonna say I need to get back to business but I think it is more important to focus on just getting back to a normal reality.  Today when I looked in the mirror I saw two of me - even up close.  But when cleaning the kitchen I saw two of nothing else so why just in the mirror - I spent a full minute looking at myself and blinking trying to undo it but it persisted so I walked away to see how the rest of the house looked and it looked normal but it didn't help to be having delusional or hallucination type symptoms on top of already feeling vulnerable.  Maybe miraculously normality will return and I will go back to my productive self enjoying making soap, working on the computer etc....

I am going to go lay down - even if I don't sleep I should rest.  Not that sitting here is taxing but staying in one position this many hours isn't good either and laying down maybe I will fall asleep.

5/13/20 uh oh

I didn't write at all on 5/13 - I got another 7 hrs of sleep which I had felt was decent.  I got a call - again disturbing (whole different issue but same in terms of intensity of traumatic) - about 20 mins after I woke.  This one really took it out of me (during and right after I felt I had kept it together but very shortly after that I was not okay at all - during I kept telling myself these are not my emotions and kept trying to gound myself and count to 10 etcetera.  But I guess I was in denial about the affect it was having on me - I think I am already messed up and any little thing can throw me off is the deal cuz I think normally it wouldn't do this to me).  I am unwell.  I was paranoid and weirded out.  I decided I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore.  Since my foggy-headedness makes me fairly unuseful I decided to pretend like it's Halloween, ya know celebraate that I am here and alive and forget this feeling sorry for myself crap.  Since I was already paranoid I thought let's give it a run for it's money and watch a super scary horror flick and eat some candy and chips and a diet pepsi.  

I had a good time the first movie but now I don't remember what it was about or called.  Then I started a stew - beef shanks, lard to fry them in, carrots, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, parsley, beef broth, herbs, spices, SnP, then after a couple hours cooking a head of cabbage chopped and added for the last hour.  I figured if I am going to have fun eating crap I should follow it with a super nutritious dinner.  Then I watched a movie (while the beef was braising) that was soooo suspenseful and sooo bloody/gory (which I usually love and doesn't bother me a bit) that I guess I fell into it in a way.  I must have been holding my muscles very tensely and breathing very shallowly as after it was over I collapsed in my chair and my whole right side and left bottocks felt bruised like I had been hit by a car and I was breathing hard.  I couldn't remember why I had even started with the movie watching except that I knew I was looking to have some fun/get away.  I did indeed get away - tooo away.  

It wasn't unpleasant it was super, toooo actually, engaging.  After about a half an hour collapsed in the chair the rest of the morning came back to my memory but  it was a real struggle to bring it back and all of it is fuzzy.  Even now having slept again although only from about 10p-1230a my memory is sooo foggy.  I tried to find my Remeron which I think I've gone 3 days without and for the life of me I cannot remember if I picked it up and just can't find it or if I didn't pick it up.  I have vague recollection of going to the pharmacy once maybe even twice in the last few days and I remember calling the nurse and complaining that thier lack of communication on the topic of why my meds get delayed is unacceptable - yet can't remember if I got them filled or not.  What's more my head and body feel like they have been in a great battle or something - like I am injured and weak and just dazed as all get out!!

I took a Xanax and a Flexeril (normally I would take the Remeron to sleep) and ate some more of the stew I made and hopefully will get a few more hours sleep.  I avoided all media and my phone today.  I hope I didn't worry anyone but I simply was tooo out of it to deal with anyone on any topic whatever.  I did manage to clean up some and water the plants and cook but that is it.

5/12/20 recooperating?

Went to bed like 130a slept til 7am.  10a coffee with sis. 130p PT, meds (a little late in the day) - still tired.  Staying away largely from social and any other kind of media except law and order reruns.  My brain is still fuzzy.  I had hoped that seeing my sis and PT would knock me back to sensible but my mind is lazy/fuzzy and at PT I kept getting dizzy over and over - that never started until I hit my head and doesn't seem to be letting up - but she did work me hard today and 5.5 hrs is not enough sleep for me - I need more like 7-9 hrs.  Still I wouldn't expect to be this low energy and just fuzzy (although foggy-headedness is a symptom of fibromyalgia - I find it disabling) - I don't know how to go forward and feel like doing nothing in particular..  I want to go back to being excited with work and so busy there aren't enough hours in the day!!!  Not  wasting away the days in a fog!

Hoping yet again for a better tomorrow - please don't go into another major depression cyn!!!

Evening - disturbing call from a friend - she was near hysterical about something she had not dealt with.  I am happy to help but it does wear on me.   I could NEVER be a shrink - although I think if I were at my best - in good shape myself - that I COULD actually handle it without a problem.  But already being really out of it myself I am not really able to cope with both my issues on top of some super big drama to top it off (I am not making light - it was a serious problem that DID need be talked out and I AM happy to help - just not happy that I can't seem to bear it myself very well).

5/11/20 stop counting days already! LOLOLOLOL

slept 6 hrs woke 1130p yesterday - now 3am - what to do - have a headache from squinting at the screen - need glasses - hate wearing them - I shall live!  LOL  I am not even gonna try to plan out the day I feel lost in time - I see my sis tomorrow for coffee thank god as being alone all the damn time is just getting me weirder and weirder.  And I am irritated I am not getting anything done which I have to give myself a break about otherwise just end up in a worse mood so.... let it go!!  Okay!!!  LOLOLOLOLOL  Now I am talking to myself on paper (so to say) talking to myself - ya weird barely begins to cover it LOLOLOLOL.

Okay so since I had a headache I made some food and went back to bed but I slept til 2pm!!!  Typical bipolar move to go from sleeping between 2-7 hrs on any given day to about 15 within 24 hr period!      ARGH  LOLOLOLOLOLOL  Went to bed with a headache woke with a headache - but I do feel rested finally.

Did nothing today really except water the plants.  I am feeling vulnerable and very easy to laugh, cry,, rage - called emotionally labile in technical terms ... so just laying low and avoiding going on facebook.

Tomorrow 10a coffee with sis at park and feeding the turtles.  Plus at 130pm PT.  I am hoping these activities jump start me back into action!!  (pleeeeeze!!!!  I need to get back to work and this house needs cleaning!!!!)

Day 16 5/10/20 - day to look after Cyn ??/mother's day

I got 4 hrs of sleep but yesterday mid day I took a long nap.  Still I would much rather get a good night's sleep than ruin my day with being irritable and sleepy, sleep half the day away only to get 4 hours of sleep that night and repeat!!!  ARGH!!!

I am going to try to lay low on both tv media and social media - it is sunday surely people will not care if I take a day off.  I will check in with my personal pages maybe but try to limit it to that and just work on my mood today - do what feels good - relax - get a grip!  I spent all day yesterday angry and I am done with that if I can manage it.  I am feeling for my friend who's father has covid but if she wants to talk frankly I am not sure I am up for it - just for her benefit alone I need to get myself back into emotional shape so that I can be there for her.  Well and for me - HELLO - look out for number one Cyn!  Still it is a motivator for me to take care of myself so I can be of use to others - I cannot deny that that is true about me - regardless it is right or wrong headed.

I feel like beraating myself for not getting enough done but I KNOW from experience that will just make me feel more down - yes I feel bad about it but I am going to forgive myself right this moment and move on!

What to do today - how about just take it as it comes?  If I feel like doing laundry do it if not let it go and same with everything else - maybe paint instead of be productive hmm?  Or idk play piano.  Just don't worry - either I get stuff done or I don't and it isn't the end of the world.  What is important is that I get my mood back to where I CAN be productive instead of worrying about it so - just go with the flow and take it easy - maybe take a long hot bath hmm? - Yes I think I'll start my day that way.  It is 418am if I take an hour long bath it will be closer to dawn put on something warm and comfy and maybe get another hour or two of sleep hmm??  That sounds good!!

Okay so took a long bath and read my Paranola (quarterly journal about spirituality) then did a Chinese tea ceremony - worked aces!  For about 2 hours I was calm and centered.  The tea ceremony is simple I have - here I'll show a picture 

anyway you make tea, puerh I think is the spelling of it, and you do so consciously if that makes sense - so pay attention to the water on the stove, pay attention to how long you brew it and then sip consciously enjoying the tea for as long as seems appropriate in this case I spent about 45 minutes on it.  I was very calm and centered for a couple hours.  

But then depression hit big and I hadn't really made the connection to it being mother's day, mom died last April and I spent almost a year depressed (she had been the only person in my life for about 10 years when I lived in Palm Desert - no friends no dates that whole time - but I had lupus and was very mentally ill as well and didn't wish to burden folks.  Even if I had made plans the chances of me showing were only like maybe 50/50 depending on how well I was doing that day so just didn't want to put that on anyone - having to deal with watching me struggle - except for my mom who she basically took care of me even though we only saw each other once sometimes twice a week.  I had my own place.  

Then she became unwell and coincidentally I had started gettting better and we moved to S GA to be near my sis who is an RN cuz I needed the help with mom and she was AN ENORMOUS help - I simply couldn't have done without her!!!  And I am so grateful - she basically took over and I followed instructions - I mean we talked about what to do about this and that but I agreed with everything she wanted to do because she was right anyway and more knowledgeable etc - still we both agonized over details as we found we just ccould not predict how things were gonna go.  Jen got the brunt of it though because mom lived at her house plus mom had one episode where her oxygen went way too low and they had to call an ambulance and that was super traumatic for them - her, her hubby and her kids all both gained and lost in that whole equation and I am grateful the kids got to know mom even though she wasn't altogether herself she enjoyed them very much.)  Anyway.... I kept trying one thing after another after those two hours - tried meds - tried alcohol, I photocopied some pictures of people that I am grateful to have in my life and put them in an album/journal with fancy paper behind them - they still need to be glued in - but that just made me even more sad and finally just went to bed around 4-5pm and snoozed til about 1130-45p or so.  But ya makes sense now that it is no longer mother's day why I would be in SUCH a foul mood all day. 

Day 15 5/9/20

Slept about 5 hours I guess that is doable but I'd prefer 7!!!

I am in a pissy mood cuz I went on messenger and a friend sent me something about how we should trust government - ugh - if they can't get onboard with vaping I CANNOT trust them - they are either stupid or care more about cig taxes than people dying!  That is evil and corrupt in my mind so why should I trust them?!  And the media has made it all the worse and we know that government plays a big hand in what they allow the media to talk about.  It's all coming to a head either people realize we are being manipulated big time by media or they just go about like sheep and we never learn and false news wins out again!  And no I am not so stupid as to think Covid is a hoax or that there was some huge conspiracy however I DO think they are taking full advantage and the rich are becoming richer and the poor poorer.

What to do today - make more soap - clean the damned kitchen and finish the laundry.  I think I will make a cherry cobler, comfort food.  I am feeling especially vulnerable in a world that I no longer can justify is good.  I still have high hopes for humanity but right now all I see is that people are being led to make their own immune systems weak in order to protect the immunocompromised and as a result we are experiencing a huge economic problem that will more tear our country apart and as a result when we finally relax the guidelines even more people will die due to having been cooped up for weeks!!!

I'm irritated with myself because I do not feel like going to stores and trying to sell hand sanitizer and I know RD is counting on me to do just that. But I only have like 10 bottles left plus they leak plus the shipment I ordered 4/12 of new spray bottles hasn't even shipped and by the time they do everyone will be stocked up on hand santizeer - wish I had never taken that on.  So even if I could convice someone to whole sale for me the most I can make off this is $60 so it just isn't worth it to me!!  And I feel bad but I did everything I could to get the stupid bottles the way they are supposed to be and it just is taking them too long to get it shipped.  What can I do?  If I wholesale 10 whole bottles and they ask for more it is going to be an embarrassment when I can not produce them and I am just not willing to put myself thru that.  I don't need more reminders of how bad a salesman I am.  I am doing pretty okay with soap and so I am going to stick to that.

I WANT to be motivated but it is very hard to do when I am in such a pissy mood  I am watching and listening to nature scenes on youtube so I am trying to fix the mood situation.  I'd actually like to make sugar scrub today not soap or both.  If I can just get it together in my head!!!

Some guy tries to tell me the mortality rate of covid is 15% worldwide - according to that then 15% of people should be dead.  It is the same as saying 20% of people can throw a 75mph fast ball without mentioning that they only tested baseball players - what he meant to say of poeple who have traveled and or are sick and have been tested the mortality rate is 15% - that is an entirely different meaning of mortality rate!!!  I'm sick of this stupid nonsense of making it out to be the end of the world - it isn't - it will pass, X no. of people will die and that hopefully will be that like the Spanish flu.  If it mutates and goes on for years like the regular flu does then we are in for bigger numbers of those already unhealthy or elderly dying - this is true but must we all have the economy collapse?  I mean there are 2!!  people in my life who are tested positive for covid - one in a motel is asymptomatic and insurance is mostly covering his quarantine there and one IS symptomatic and in a hospital - and this of course makes me mad that people I know are being affected and of course in some black communities everyone knows multiple people affected so they must be REALLY MAD - but I STILL think that ruining the economy is going to end up being a bigger killer than covid!  But we won't know what really happened here for about 25 years in the meantime all of us just have different OPINIONS on what is actually going down here and that is all they are but we sure do know how to argue about them!!  As if we are all experts on the subject when no one really knows enough about it!  The whole thing is a major irritation - BUT do I allow my mood to be adversely affected everyday by this?  It WILL weaken me and it will make me more likely to get ill should I come into contact with it if I do not take some control here of my own life and improve my mood!!  So how do I do that?  I guess lay off the social media if I can stand to do so.  TRULY stop with the carbs!!  Eat mostly keto!  Talk to shrink 5/26 I think is my appt about sleeping problem and go to PT and clean the house and make soap and sugar scrub and get it together already - stop drinking so much!  Get creative if need be - paint!!