5/16/20 why suicide is such a joke

First off I stink at comitting suicide.  I have tried about a dozen times and there simply aren't enough pills to do it - one time took 2 x 300 pill bottles of ibuprofen - did nothing.  Another time I took every pill I could find in my house and I was on like 8 meds plus I keep old meds and have had MANY med changes - I thought FOR SURE that would do the trick as it was probably somewhere between 700-900 pills all said taken in handfuls very fast.  I was paralyzed for about 24 hrs 12 or so of which I was awake for then the next day back to normal.  I hadn't even gotten scared when I woke but couldn't move.  I had left on the TV so just watched that.  When you care sooo little about your own life it is not a selfish act it is a psychotic act - you are literally soooo off your rocker you cannot see straight and there simply is no fear just the absolute necessity to escape due to the amount of pain you are in.  

Second I am not psychotic now so therefore I know this is termporary and I will move past it at any moment and things go back to looking up - and I mean REALLY UP because I have no reason whatever to be unhappy with myself or my life - it HAS to be chemical!  So why is suicide a joke?  Because when I am this gloomy it is the very first thought that comes to mind - like a pavlovian response - it seems almost instinctual for me to want to get out of me ASAP!  Knowing this is temporary and being of sound enough mind to recognize that, in this case it WOULD be selfish to commit suicide - but here is the rub one truly only goes there (for psychological reasons) when one IS psychotic so if I should become psychotic then all bets are off - it is possible but unlikely that should happen.  But bottom line is if I should end dead know, anyone reading this, that some switch in my mind flipped to where I can no longer think straight!  (the only case of suicide that is not due to being psychotic I can see is if one has a terminal illness or are headed to prison for life or some other circumstance like extreme physical pain with no end in sight...in your life that is sooo terrible the SANE thing to do IS to take yourself out.  Otherwise when people say it is selfish or a cry for help - ridiculous notion and said sooo often - they are wrong rather the person has crossed over to delusional.  And believe it or not being crazy does not reduce one's IQ so a person who is delusional may make sense logically and even make extremely good arguments or sound very convincing - the way to tell they are psychotic is if their reality does not seem to match the true reality.  They are believing things that are highly unlikely to be true.  Like I have been so out of it that I have convinced others that so and so is out to kill me because my psycho mind can still come up with proof and good arguments etc to back up my beliefs LOL - tis ironic)

If I look at my life circumstances right now objectively I can say that I should be very very happy right now.  I am in a very good relationship. I have family and friends who care for me that are all super understanding and caring. I have a nice place to live and plenty of food.  I have all kinds of things I can do here should I get up the energy.  So objectively things are ACES right now!  But my mood is DARK as all get out!!!  Truly HAS to be chemical in nature and temporary.  I SHALL come back to my normal self!!  In the meantime I shall continue to try various strategies to force myself back to more normal.