A couple days away from social media has me more calm. My mood is eh - but I want to go back to having fun / celebrating life however I can manage that - put on a good attitude!! I am still sleepy and fuzzy though.
Okay several hours later still sleepy - keep nodding off and shaky. I think the vraylar gave me a boost which was great and if it weren't for all the really bad side affects I would be most grateful for the drug - but to lose memory and not sleep at night and not be able to lose weight and all this fuzzy thinking (although that is recent, since I hit my head so not sure related plus a symptom of fibromyalgia so maybe I am experiencing that not due to vraylar) isn't worth the boost in energy. If I had continued to be productive I WOULD be willing to give up memory, sleeping and weight loss in exchange for better mood plus productivity but now that the productivity has changed to being sooo off my game I can't get stuff done it is just too many negatives without enough positives. I will probably take it tomorrow - maybe it can work for me every other day?? Also going 2 months on it then cutting it off without a tapering down even if just one day of tapering is still better than none - I think? Actually since on such a low dose I think just skip it altogether and try to just stay awake during daylight hours and sleep at night as best I can until this tiredness wears off - seems like I had in just 2 months gotten used to the boost in energy so that it no longer worked. If I wasn't sooo terribly worried about my memory I might suggest to the dr to increase the drug but the memory is soooo bad it really wouldn't be acceptable to make it even worse.
Okay back to scary movies even if just to wake up!! Try to consciously move my body so I don't end up soooo sore from sitting tensed up in one position sooo long as I did yesterday - this is me celebrating life? Watching scary movies? Why not paint, make soap, clean the house - oh this is the part where I give myself a hard time for feeling uninterested in being productive. I saw a thing saying everyone has trouble motivating and it is just will power. That is not true for me! When I am productive I have ZERO problem motivating and am excitied and happy to go - when I am like this I look at stuff and get tired even looking at it much less trying it - so why give myself a hard time. Biplars have ups and downs in mood - am I a slave to it? Pretty much!!! When I am go go go it is awesome when I am not I am not. I did try afterall just a few days ago a bunch of tactics to try to alter my mood and it was a disaster soooo... - I did at least some work was it yesterday? ya yesterday after watching a scary movie so trying that again!!!
Nope didn't work ....sigh.... I think I just picked too dark a movie. It was depressing more than frightening. So what? vodka at least will allow some sleep - it puts me in a better mood - but like I had said before I don't really like relying on it medicinally. Still I have had a couple shots and I feel more normal even if still not productive at least I felt well enough to do a little catching up on facebook. But I am leaving it at that as I TRULY do not want to run into something that is going to upset me - so stayed on only positive topics and skipped over anything negative and when replies came back ignored them jic they are argumentative as I truly cannot go there right now AND be nice about it LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Watching law and order reruns again - not exactly a celebration of life but I shall watch Star Treks that I haven't seen before and eat a big bowl of mostly vegetable with a little meat stew for dinner and hopefully sleep well tonite. At least I am eating some good for ya food And I drank a bunch of tea today - but forgot the vitamins - in fact I think I forgot to eat altogether?? No I ate a salad - good! But I barely remember and did I take vitamins? maybe I did actually - but it shouldn't be this hard to remember what was just like idk 5 hrs ago? I think I stayed mostly keto/intermittant fasting today so score on that one if I did LOLOLOLOLOL
I wonder if when I am feeling better I will keep up the journal. I think I started the journal not so much to deal with the empath issue but because I wasn't feeling right and soooo many people had suggested it. It will only show me how my life is working if I do it long term and am willing to look back on it and note some things that go together with other things and see if there is a pattern here that I can alter in order to get more control here. As it is I DO feel like a slave to my moods. So journaling is not so much about empath/not empath or what is empath - I think I resolved everyone is - just some people are MUCH MORE so - like any human behavior falls on a bell curve. The psychopaths who feel nothing would be at the small percentage far left hand side, the people who feel empathy for their fellow human beings are probably picking up more than they realize but not so much that it negatively impacts their lives nor so much it allows them to be particularly good at listening would be in the middle highest percentage and highest point of the bell curve, then those of us who feel people's emotions before they even speak or move or are aware of a space's energy belong on the small percentage right hand side of the curve. I think I am fairly settled with that - so therefore everyone sans the psychopaths of the world are empaths of varying degree is what I conclude. I get overly affected - somehow I need to learn to control it not only when I am in a good place - when I am strong - but also when I am vulnerable or weak or in a poor mood otherwise pay the conseqences. As to how to do this maybe some research is in order!!
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