5/14/20 irksome doesn't begin to describe

Okay so slept a whole 2 1/2 hrs.  But I am missing my Remeron and the flexeril and xanax didn't knock me back out unfortunately.  I can't keep this up.  I think it is the vraylar that is robbing me of my memory and my sleep plus it seems it is making it difficult to lose weight to top it off.  I think I shall go a few days without it and see if my fuzzyheadedness clears some and I can sleep better.  The nights that I did sleep I drank to accomplish it and I don't wish to be drinking for medicinal purposes.  Rather only wish to drink for enjoyment.  And only when I feel like it not when I feel I need to - that is a backasswards way to use alcohol and should be avoided or else become addicted again.  Seems I can self-regulate to a good degree though thank the Goddess, lords and ladies!  

For a while there when I was depressed I had been unable to stop really but I don't seem depressed rather I seem downright ill.  And I don't know if it's cuz I hit my head so badly or if it's the medication but the memory and sleeping problems both came BEFORE I hit my head therefore it stands to reason it is the vraylar or the mix of vraylar with the belbuca - which I am unwilling to give up the belbuca which seems to give me some motivation although not lately - it had been - I think things turned around when I started taking the vraylar - at first a better mood but with more problems like these I have been becoming more and more frustrated and blaming myself for something I think is bio-chemical and not within my control - except that I can stop the meds.  I think I'll skip a day then take one one day then skip everyday thereafter unless I suffer some kind of nasty consequences for skipping the drug.  That seems the easiest most reasonable way to kind of taper off the drug as it is a capsule and cannot be broken in half really.  Otherwise I  would take half pills for a couple days then quit.

So what of today then?  Maybe I will having not taken any vraylar have some difference in behavior - we shall see.  I sure as hell hope so.  I don't feel up to going online but I know people will worry about me if I do not plus ...well I was gonna say I need to get back to business but I think it is more important to focus on just getting back to a normal reality.  Today when I looked in the mirror I saw two of me - even up close.  But when cleaning the kitchen I saw two of nothing else so why just in the mirror - I spent a full minute looking at myself and blinking trying to undo it but it persisted so I walked away to see how the rest of the house looked and it looked normal but it didn't help to be having delusional or hallucination type symptoms on top of already feeling vulnerable.  Maybe miraculously normality will return and I will go back to my productive self enjoying making soap, working on the computer etc....

I am going to go lay down - even if I don't sleep I should rest.  Not that sitting here is taxing but staying in one position this many hours isn't good either and laying down maybe I will fall asleep.