5/13/20 uh oh

I didn't write at all on 5/13 - I got another 7 hrs of sleep which I had felt was decent.  I got a call - again disturbing (whole different issue but same in terms of intensity of traumatic) - about 20 mins after I woke.  This one really took it out of me (during and right after I felt I had kept it together but very shortly after that I was not okay at all - during I kept telling myself these are not my emotions and kept trying to gound myself and count to 10 etcetera.  But I guess I was in denial about the affect it was having on me - I think I am already messed up and any little thing can throw me off is the deal cuz I think normally it wouldn't do this to me).  I am unwell.  I was paranoid and weirded out.  I decided I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore.  Since my foggy-headedness makes me fairly unuseful I decided to pretend like it's Halloween, ya know celebraate that I am here and alive and forget this feeling sorry for myself crap.  Since I was already paranoid I thought let's give it a run for it's money and watch a super scary horror flick and eat some candy and chips and a diet pepsi.  

I had a good time the first movie but now I don't remember what it was about or called.  Then I started a stew - beef shanks, lard to fry them in, carrots, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, parsley, beef broth, herbs, spices, SnP, then after a couple hours cooking a head of cabbage chopped and added for the last hour.  I figured if I am going to have fun eating crap I should follow it with a super nutritious dinner.  Then I watched a movie (while the beef was braising) that was soooo suspenseful and sooo bloody/gory (which I usually love and doesn't bother me a bit) that I guess I fell into it in a way.  I must have been holding my muscles very tensely and breathing very shallowly as after it was over I collapsed in my chair and my whole right side and left bottocks felt bruised like I had been hit by a car and I was breathing hard.  I couldn't remember why I had even started with the movie watching except that I knew I was looking to have some fun/get away.  I did indeed get away - tooo away.  

It wasn't unpleasant it was super, toooo actually, engaging.  After about a half an hour collapsed in the chair the rest of the morning came back to my memory but  it was a real struggle to bring it back and all of it is fuzzy.  Even now having slept again although only from about 10p-1230a my memory is sooo foggy.  I tried to find my Remeron which I think I've gone 3 days without and for the life of me I cannot remember if I picked it up and just can't find it or if I didn't pick it up.  I have vague recollection of going to the pharmacy once maybe even twice in the last few days and I remember calling the nurse and complaining that thier lack of communication on the topic of why my meds get delayed is unacceptable - yet can't remember if I got them filled or not.  What's more my head and body feel like they have been in a great battle or something - like I am injured and weak and just dazed as all get out!!

I took a Xanax and a Flexeril (normally I would take the Remeron to sleep) and ate some more of the stew I made and hopefully will get a few more hours sleep.  I avoided all media and my phone today.  I hope I didn't worry anyone but I simply was tooo out of it to deal with anyone on any topic whatever.  I did manage to clean up some and water the plants and cook but that is it.