I am going to try to lay low on both tv media and social media - it is sunday surely people will not care if I take a day off. I will check in with my personal pages maybe but try to limit it to that and just work on my mood today - do what feels good - relax - get a grip! I spent all day yesterday angry and I am done with that if I can manage it. I am feeling for my friend who's father has covid but if she wants to talk frankly I am not sure I am up for it - just for her benefit alone I need to get myself back into emotional shape so that I can be there for her. Well and for me - HELLO - look out for number one Cyn! Still it is a motivator for me to take care of myself so I can be of use to others - I cannot deny that that is true about me - regardless it is right or wrong headed.
I feel like beraating myself for not getting enough done but I KNOW from experience that will just make me feel more down - yes I feel bad about it but I am going to forgive myself right this moment and move on!
What to do today - how about just take it as it comes? If I feel like doing laundry do it if not let it go and same with everything else - maybe paint instead of be productive hmm? Or idk play piano. Just don't worry - either I get stuff done or I don't and it isn't the end of the world. What is important is that I get my mood back to where I CAN be productive instead of worrying about it so - just go with the flow and take it easy - maybe take a long hot bath hmm? - Yes I think I'll start my day that way. It is 418am if I take an hour long bath it will be closer to dawn put on something warm and comfy and maybe get another hour or two of sleep hmm?? That sounds good!!
Okay so took a long bath and read my Paranola (quarterly journal about spirituality) then did a Chinese tea ceremony - worked aces! For about 2 hours I was calm and centered. The tea ceremony is simple I have - here I'll show a picture
anyway you make tea, puerh I think is the spelling of it, and you do so consciously if that makes sense - so pay attention to the water on the stove, pay attention to how long you brew it and then sip consciously enjoying the tea for as long as seems appropriate in this case I spent about 45 minutes on it. I was very calm and centered for a couple hours.
But then depression hit big and I hadn't really made the connection to it being mother's day, mom died last April and I spent almost a year depressed (she had been the only person in my life for about 10 years when I lived in Palm Desert - no friends no dates that whole time - but I had lupus and was very mentally ill as well and didn't wish to burden folks. Even if I had made plans the chances of me showing were only like maybe 50/50 depending on how well I was doing that day so just didn't want to put that on anyone - having to deal with watching me struggle - except for my mom who she basically took care of me even though we only saw each other once sometimes twice a week. I had my own place.
Then she became unwell and coincidentally I had started gettting better and we moved to S GA to be near my sis who is an RN cuz I needed the help with mom and she was AN ENORMOUS help - I simply couldn't have done without her!!! And I am so grateful - she basically took over and I followed instructions - I mean we talked about what to do about this and that but I agreed with everything she wanted to do because she was right anyway and more knowledgeable etc - still we both agonized over details as we found we just ccould not predict how things were gonna go. Jen got the brunt of it though because mom lived at her house plus mom had one episode where her oxygen went way too low and they had to call an ambulance and that was super traumatic for them - her, her hubby and her kids all both gained and lost in that whole equation and I am grateful the kids got to know mom even though she wasn't altogether herself she enjoyed them very much.) Anyway.... I kept trying one thing after another after those two hours - tried meds - tried alcohol, I photocopied some pictures of people that I am grateful to have in my life and put them in an album/journal with fancy paper behind them - they still need to be glued in - but that just made me even more sad and finally just went to bed around 4-5pm and snoozed til about 1130-45p or so. But ya makes sense now that it is no longer mother's day why I would be in SUCH a foul mood all day.
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