5/18/20

Went to bed 10p and woke 6am which is an ideal amount of sleep.  Maybe the remeron was actually keeping me from sleeping.  I can't find my remeron, xanax or vraylar which it is extremely unusual for me to misplace any medicine much less 3 of them but I seem to be doing better without them.  However I am relying on alcohol for stress instead of xanax and the xanax is better for you than alcohol so that is not ideal..

Today it's supposed to rain YAY!

I have PT today.

Woke feeling disguested with myself again - not pleasant but I dismissed it and my mood is not too terrible.  When I think about working on soap or sales or anything I feel sad and panic-ed and like it is just too much but the only way to go is up so IDK what I am frightened of or maybe I just feel tired?  Why?  

I see RD Thursday - hopefully he can kick this mood's arse!

Ya know I would neveer strip anyone of thier happiness but I do get a bit envious that I cannot just maintain being happy when I see many people are capable of it.  When I AM happy it is hard to relate to people who are depressed and the only reason I can is cuz I have been there.  When unhappy I realize just how MUCH of a big difference there is between the moods.  It is easy to take a natural happiness for granted without realizing it because it feels normal and it is hard to imagine unless you HAVE been there what anyone could be talking about when discussing an inability to function due to low mood.  But it is a physical thing as much as mental - my eyesight is different, my energy is different, I feel more physical pain - shoot I lost 3 out of 6 of my meds that I am supposed to take daily and I cannot bother the drs here in GA about it cuz they are not as understanding as CA drs by and large - I mean who cares that disorganization is actually a symptom of bipolar I am still responsible for keeping track my meds even when I literally am unable to do so no matter how hard I try - doesn't matter that it is illogical or impractical to expect that I should be able to do something I can't physically do it is still my responsibility.  At least in some states it is understood that this is in fact part of the disease.

It WAS supposed to rain today 80% chance - stupid forecasts only are sometimes correct - cannot be counted on.

I am dangerously depressed actually - my mind keeps looking for escapes and of course death would be an easy out if only I could figure a way to actually accomplish it.  A happy Cyn would say the good times are worth all the pain but I think she forgets how bad the pain is.

taking 2 geodon instead of one - maybe will feel better tomorrow.....sigh

345p going to bed