day 6 WOW 6 days in a row journaling that is a new record for me 4/30/20

Okay went to bed like 1045p and woke at 145am.  That is NOT enough sleep and this is becoming habitual.  The only thing that would knock me back out is to eat something high in carbs and take a muscle relaxant and that may or may not work plus I don't feel tired - still... this not sleeping business WILL catch up to me!!  And it is unhealthy to sleep 2-4 hrs a night.  Okay you know you said you were gonna to the grounding and shielding first thing upon waking - I just am not sleepy but wiped out and don't wish to.  LOLOLOLOLOL  Maybe that IS lazy!!  LOLOLOLOL  Okay do it now!

 Okay did your standard grounding/shielding - takes me aboot 15 minutes now but will go quicker the more I do it.  I am a bit out of practice but what I normally do is I stand feet shoulder width apart and I sent my energy down into the ground imagining roots growing out the bottom of my feet soo far into the ground that it gets near the earth's core - this took probably about 3-4 minutes as I had some trouble focusing and staying on what i was doing but managed it.  Then I start my chakras spinning like wheels front to back so base red, right below navel orange, solar plexus yellow, heart green, throat blue, third eye purple/amethyist the right above my head white.  I go one by one getting them spinning all same direction and when I feel they are I pull up energy from the ground in the same order up and up chakra by chakra breathing in deep helps me pull it up and then when it gets to the white above my head I shoot it straight up into the sky - used to be I'd catch star energy but only managed to make it about moon high which is fine to start at.  Grab moon energy and bring it back down then chakra  by chakra I feel it going down while the earth energy is still going up the front and sky/moon energy going down the back round these circles like wheels carrying water and send that deep into the earth and then enjoy for a moment the feeling of the energy running up and down my body and give  thought of gratitude to earth and sky/moon and now I am fully grounded.  I am much more steady on my feet I have been breathing deeply.  Now I build a shield of white light like a cocoon starting about 3 ft below me and going round me in a circle as if it the light is big swaths of fabric and I got round and round my body til I feel I have been cloaked on all sides about 3 feet out in a big circle of light. I pull up and down energy a bit more fully cloaked to reinforce the shield and then disengage from earth and sky and walk away within my ball of white protective light and thus I am shielded from negative energy.  Intent is important and gratitude is important as is ability to imagine all that be able to know precisely where your chakras are located and feel them doing as they are supposed to and keeping it all straight in your head but so long as you are breathing deeply and concentrating this isn't too difficult and is a pleasant sensation and I feel stronger and sharper and more calm all at once.  Each time I do this it should take less time and one can actually eventually get to where one pictures the whole thing and snaps their fingers and all is in place - so in a time of emergency you can do this in a blink of an eye.  When I get there that will be a relief.
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PT, salad/bread for lunch, meds, nap for a couple hours.  Gots to remember to take vitamins with dinner - fish and greens I think.  Shouldn't have had the bread but it really does help me sleep to eat carbs unfortunately they end up on my tummy - toooooo many variables.  I feel overwhelmed just trying to make the most simple (or should be simple decisions like what to eat) details that need be managed..  I had been doing alright there for a while before hitting my head and now I just am struggling for most of each day to get basics done.  I did work on webiste a bunch this morning.  But I mean I coiuld have got more done today right?  I feel like I should have - I got two boxes of soap packaged and weighed, paid postage and went to PO.  But I mean that is it but maybe that IS all I can manage when my sleeping is so messed up right now.  I feel both like I am not trying hard enough AND giving myself too hard of a time over it.  Talk about conflicted lOLOLOLOLOLOL

My buddy and I are back on talking terms. I knew we would be but I gave her a fright and now she is worried about overwhelming me and I get it I totally do but at the same time it is not her responsibility to manage my emotions rather mine and I figure we both had our faults plus good points on the whole thing.  So I hope that I didn't scare her so bad that she feels she cannot talk to me as I think for the very most part I do okay - just every now and then I lose my shit lOLOLOLOLOL.  I am trying to gain more control there and basically the whole reason for the journal is to do that.  It is 845p.  I slept thru time to do grounding and shielding .... probably should do that ugh maybe I am lazy - but I go thru my spurts of energy and my lows of energy and have a hard time motivating when I am on a low ya know?  I didn't feel like this morning did much of anything but I AM so out of practice.  How about a compromise - just for now do it every morning as twice a day from the get might make me stop altogether too soon or give up too fast.  See if it makes a difference or not before throwing in the towel or adding to it.  Try to stay on damn diet, take vits/meds, drink my vegi drink and water and exercise and clean house and water the plants and sell the damn sanitizer and keep up the accounting and websiste and etsy etc etc etc!  LOLOLOLOLOLOL  I swear my outlook changes with the weather and at any given time can be totally positive to totally negative or anywhere in between with highs and lows that put a roller coaster to shame LOLOLOLOLOL  (nag nag nag complain complain complain lOLOLOLOL)

My cat Sheldon this morning

day 5 4/29/20 argument and alcohol

I am soooo angry with my friend.  I feel like she was just dumping her emotions right on top of me.  I understand we do this rather regularly and maybe I have let it get out of hand.  I want to be helpful to her but not to the point where it hurts me physically, emotionally and spiritually and to where it takes hours to recover.  And I am not sure I am even all that helpful when she is downloading onto me if I get so whacked out over it I lose it too.  That just puts us BOTH in a bad place.  And I need to learn how to shield myself from others' emotions so that I am not feeling their rage and pain to the point where it hurts me just as much or more than them!  Well and I became soo angry and I think not so much that I was angry with her but I just took on her anger and reacted angrily because I had finally gotten to a good place myself only to go right back down into a bad place and I was resentful to her for ruining what HAD been a great evening.  But whatever it is my responsibility to take care of myself and I did that best I could. I put the phones in a drawer and tried to relax and then finally went to bed and slept about 4 hrs.  I did take my meds regularly yesterday - the party knocked me off my diet but it was worth it.

Okay so today I wanna finish cleaning the house up some more, make some soap and do some work on the computer.  Tomorrow before PT I wanna stop at a few places and drop off some hand sanitizer samples and my card and suggest wholesale business with them.  The samples are ready to go.  I just have to find some good places to do that.

I feel alright my back and foot hurt some but my head is okay - only a very small amount of vertigo upon sitting up from bed.  Emotionally I am more on an even keel than last night but I am edgy - I just really wish I hadn't talked to her at all because I think I would have slept better and I think I wouldn't wake up still angry and on edge.

Okay so I woke at like idk 430 I guess and by 10am felt like half the day was over and was still hurting and angry so decided alcohol will fix that and it did and I shall go to bed early LOL.  I wrote her and apologized for upsetting her even more than she already was - that certainly was not my intent although had I a choice I wouldn't have gone into that conversation last night in the first place but it seemed cool until all the sudden she is super not okay and then I am super not okay.  LOL  Oh well what can you do??  I was trying to be helpful for goodness sakes and I know she is terribly angry with me for not being a good enough sounding board for her which I don't think is at all fair but whatever.

So I spent the day making melt and pour toppings for soap and chatting with a newbie soaper about how to make soap.  I made some labels but didn't get near the amount of work done that I had wanted - although my foot is still messed up anyway so it's not like I could have done all that I wanted without suffering some consequences anyways.  It is good I spent a day largely off my foot as I think it is near healing now - it just slightly throbs now and seems a bit less painful when I walk and had I been on my feet all day surely it would have suffered.  So what are ya gonna do right?   But no more headache thank the lords and ladies above and no more dizziness or neasea either so I am happy my head at least seems to have mostly healed.  I can still feel it but it isn't much of anything now - I wouldn't call it pain just a slight pressure.  I am happy with that as I was worried just yesterday - now I am wondering why I had the vertigo I did - could it have been from stress instead of concussion?  I mean I hadn't been around anyone sans my sis and two of her kids for 20 minutes one evening for about a week - hadn't seen another face except on a screen and people including me get weird when they go long term with 100% isolation.  Last night did me a world of good until I got home LOL.

Okay also totally went off the diet - didn't feel like doing dishes and cooking or eating food already prepped as it seems too heavy for me today so instead have had some crackers and dip and that's it pretty much. I am not hungry.  I haven't done much of anything active so don't need the calories and I will take vitamins right now actually..

Okay so finally to the point of the darn journal - empath.  I don't know what if anything I can do about it.  I can try grounding and shielding in fact I should probably make a daily practice of it a couple times a day.  I just don't wanna have to deal with this but if I had been more grounded and if I had been shielded than maybe my friend wouldn't have upset me sooo terribly.  I mean it has nothing to do with me just her intensity got me all fired up and I am accustomed to that happening and I don't want that to happen anymore so I should do something about it plus grounding and shielding isn't a lengthy process or unpleasant it's just one more thing I have to remember and I have trouble remembering basic stuff like eating and taking meds but I am trying to challenge myself here so just do it Cyn!!!  FINE!!  Jeez - it's not a lazyness problem so much as it is a memory irritation problem - I am expecting that I am going to have to go out of my way to remember to do it - like put it on my todo list or put a sign on the damn wall.  I should probably do it upon waking instead of looking at my phone - in fact I probably spend altogether tooooo much time on my phone!!  And then sometime later in the day do it again - I should pick a time ugh.  Okay so when I wake and 5pm.  And tomorrow back to PT and get back on diet!!  Sigh - it just seems idk like doing dishes what you just did you gots to do again LOLOLOLOLOLOL  But maybe I am anticipating it being a big deal when in fact it may help me quite a bit otherwise why do it eh?  Let's try to go in with a better attitude hmm?

My nephew 16yrs yesterday!

2 1/2 4/26/20

okay I ate 4 hours ago there is no way I am this sleepy from a sugar crash which for me takes about 20 minutes and only lasts a couple hours - I am gonna try a cup of espresso

The espresso was a bad idea - made me even more dizzy.  Oh well maybe I should google how to deal with a head injury huh?

Okay I slept 3 hrs last night grrrrr.

2am perfect for alone time so why not journal

I am irritated once again - why only sleep 3 hrs after being sleepy all day and purposely staying awake so I can sleep well that night - maybe the espresso was a bad Idea in more ways than one.

Otherwise I am okay - head feels better right now but it typically gets worse throughout the day - also I am not dizzy right now.

idk that I have anything deep to say about my life or about the topic of empaths right this moment.  I did take my meds correctly yesterday - actually took a bit less - I can take some as needed.

Went back to bed and got 4 more hours.

day 4 4/28/20 head and foot (HA like mane and tail LOLOLOLOL)

okay so remarking heavily on symptoms cuz this head thing is a bit weird and also my foot injury I can't really see it cuz it is near my little toe on the bottom.  Anyway yesterday I was consistent on meds - I ate a piece of bread n butter for breakfast which I had decided after that to go back to not terribly strict keto in combo w/intermittent fasting.  I had energy yesterday and not much of a headache at all UNTIL after I ate a very low carb meal (with vitamins) about 7pm and then head shot to like a 5 on pain scale and I have a good tolerance for pain so that is just below a 6 which for me is freshly broken bone pain (since I went thru some very very serious pain with the lupus I know the pain scale well - 2-3 is a headache bad enough to take pills for imo.  5 is not good).  Went to bed like 1030p woke at 230a.  When I got into bed last night the room spun for a moment and I got neaseous for about 3 minutes or so.  Then when I got up at 230 head didn't hurt but I was neaseous so said screw lo carb and fasting and had some bone broth with pasta and hot sauce and hot tea to calm my tummy which worked.  I went to lay back down and room spun again!  Grrr but found I couldn't sleep so about 4am took a shower - no dizziness.  I can feel where my head is injured like a slight pressure but that's it and I seem more energetic and awake like I did yesterday.  Prior to yesterday I had spent about 3 days where I was super low energy napping on and off all day and night.  I got frustrated on day 3 of that and had a few shots - probably unwise and maybe that is what is causing me to have the vertigo except that I normally have a high tolerance for alcohol and the amount I took shouldn't do anything except calm me and leave no hangover (which I didn't have one still probably wasn't wise what with having hit my head so hard but that was now what? 13 days ago?  ya.  That seems a long time to me to be having all these symptoms.)

My back pain gets to 6/7 before I sit down and why I am going to PT and we have determined it's not really my back that's the issue rather my hips.  I had been heavily favoring my right hip for many years now and they are both replaced and both hurt often - only 2-4 on left and 4-6 on right and only when walking or lifting my right leg and so I can deal with that kind of pain but when it gets to 7 I start to lose my sense of humor.  My neck had hurt for I guess 32 yrs but finally last year PT cured that up pretty well.  It had gotten way worse with the lupus but now that that is gone and with the PT my neck only hurts when I am talking to someone looking to the side for an extended period well and on and off but not near as bad.  Anyway replaced hips last 10-15 yrs and it has been more than that for the right and about 13? for the left??  I don't remember exactly but it has been well over a decade for both so I may end up having to have them replaced or at least the right one if I can't work it out in PT. 

Okay so physical bit is over unless I have more symptoms which I hope very much I don't.  But I think PT is out for today since both my head is unsteady and I am unsteady on my feet and when she is done with me when I am my normal pretty ok I can barely drive my legs are shaking so much so just not even going to do that to my head right now if a meal can increase my BP to the point of a bad headache!!

Okay took a xanax and slept like 2 3/4 more hours - then went to my nephews bday party and WHAT  relief!!  First off the ER RN looked at my foot and said I did a good job bandaging it and it is fine but I need a tetanus shot and that he thinks my head is just fine too and that I can even drink after 13 days.  He said ya know I know my own body best but if there were something seriously wrong I would have known at the 3 day mark so what a relief.  And being around people?  OMGOSH  I NEED to see people like every so often otherwise I lose it - I become extremely low on confidence and it had been a week since I saw another human and I just get paranoid and kinda weird when I go that long in these 4 walls all by myself.  We had a FANTASTIC time!!  First off it was a lovely evening very clear out..  We enjoyed some tacos and nachos and had a few drinks (which the RN guy said will not affect my head at this point).  We sang for my Nephew and he opened up some presents and my sis made a great pound cake with icing and blueberry sauce.  We had been listening to 70s rock (my fav) and there were about 12-13 of us but we kept up social distancing.  Then fireworks and talking and joking around by the fire outdoors with great weather!  It was supremely ideal.  My sister's family and her friends are real kick back cool folks and just a super pleasant great time!  Some MUCH needed socializing and I am sooooo grateful!!

Got home feeling good for the first time in a long time and proceeded to get into a huge argument with one of my best friends and back comes headache and poor mood.  I could really kick her arse!  LOL  Oh well.

day 3 4/27/20 gripes LOL

Okay I am very frustrated with myself and other people about this social distancing and isolation.  Yesterday I watched this interview with doctors about immunology and how it works in the real world and basically we are ALL compromising our immune system by not shaking people's hands, touching things then touching our face, etc (which is HOW WE BUILD AND MAINTAIN our own immunity).  We are not getting the good viruses and bacteria that we normally do and that keep our immune systems strong and healthy and what's worse is that covid19 is still out there regardless we did this experiment in staying home alone so that when we do go out now unprotected by our normal immune system having gone way down due to all this sanitizing everything we will be hit doubly hard and to top it off all the hospitals and drs have shut down and laid off people because everyone including myself was too scared to go to the doctor when they needed to.  Just to add to the horror the normal treatments people with heart disease and diabetes etc get they have not been getting so they will be experiencing more troubles and then to make matters even worse wife and child beating has gone way up as has alcoholism molestation and suicide and now we have a system basically running at less than half staff at hospitals so that when we do open up we won't have the staff needed to help us all now that we've alll compromised ourselves!!!  UGH!

Why would the world react this way?? MEDIA!!!  HYSTERIA!!!  It is THE PERFECT STORM!!!

okay done with that gripe.  I am frustrated because my head still hurts - I did finally get about 7 hours sleep even though I had to eat again in order to go back to bed.

How do I feel - helpless!! frustrated!!  Irritated!!  I did take my meds regularly and vitamins etc and head still hurts, world is still on shut down and I have gone broke - plus I am not getting anything done when I should be getting TONS done as I have PLENTY of time to do stuff and all the stuff here I need to do it!!!  It's like the perfect storm is not just happening out in the world but in my own home as well.  But okay back to empath - am I picking up emotions of those in my neighborhood???!!!  How do I stop that?  I think probably do a ritual of self protection and asking for earth energy and universal (stars) energy instead of my neighbors' energy!!  Cuz this laying around all day with a headache is getting real old real fast.

Okay afternoon update - day got better, head got MUCH better and I am in a much more pleasant mood.  LOL  I got some stuff done finally with the help of a painkiller and was feeling motivated - got some gardening and house cleaning done and am making this bacon, turnip, kale in lemongrasss beef bone broth with a touch of stevia and cider vinegar and garlic, onions and some HOT spices (HEAT it's called - I get it from Hawt Toddy's - there is a facebook page and a website and I highly recommend it) when I scraped the bottom of my foot on a nail on my new porch which looked pristine to me because the nail was painted the same as the rest.  Anyway it's a pretty bad cut but I needn't worry about getting a shot cuz the nail was completely covered in paint - no rust.  Still now I am back to sitting (feet up) and frustrated I can't get all I want done today but laughing at myself.  I am one of those extremely accident prone persons - like the day after it snowed here in GA I broke my ankle and wrist both multiple fractures HAHAHAHHAHAHA cuz I didn't see that the concrete was covered in ice and slipped and of course put out my hand and duhhhhh Yikes - it's largely due to me not paying close enough attention and poor eyesight and refusal to wear glasses.  SO totally my fault and I take responsibility.... but I honestly try to be careful and I try to get done what I can LOL.   You can see I was gardening barefoot and hard to get a photo but no that is not an extra toe that is a big flap of the skin off the bottom of my foot - I washed it, put it back together and bandaged it but I am betting I will have to cut off that skin yuck LOL.

Anyway I shall do work on computer today and tomorrow I have PT and my nephew's 16th bday "party" - 2 families practicing social distancing on their lawn eating tacos LOL  probably right around 10 peeps or maybe 11 or 12 but since two of them are nurses - one labor and delivery one emergency - they feel strongly they should keep the distancing up regardless the various opinions about the cost of isolating vs the benefit and I get it.  They have kids they're scared.

Okay back to mood/empath - I do not feel like I am catching anyone's negativity at present and everyone I talked to today seems upbeat so it's all good.  My own mood this morning was probably half due to pain and the frustration from that and half a reaction to something I read.  But so what?  I mean people's moods go up and down naturally day to day or even all in one day - mine tend to be kinda extreme but not near as extreme as they used to be.  I seem to be on a good combo of meds presently.  I hope they keep being helpful and not become an issue of dealing with side effects of long term use.  I had lost my period for just shy of a decade plus any sex drive due to one anti-psychotic that was necessary to keep me out of the hospital but I feel like part of my life was taken from me.  Anyway very very grateful now as one doctor had told me the likelihood of getting over bipolar disorder is so low as to be negligent in terms of statistics and here I am MUCH better than I used to be sooo..... I figure I am lucky!!!  Plus I have a nice house and yard and live near my family now and have wonderful friends and just actually grateful that I am still here!!

Back deck, pond, foggy morning:

This angle doesn't really show how big the yard is but it is like I am here all by myself my property especially out back looks like it's just me here!  LOLOLOL  It's a pleasant illusion.  And I am very happy with this house/property/pond situation and again consider myself lucky.

Okay another gripe:  when people will not read both sides of an argument they are not really making a choice - they are following a crowd.  They are sheep being herded.  I see this on both sides.. I actually do read and listen to both sides of every argument and often times find myself on the fence because they both make good points but at least when I finally choose something it is MY choice.  I mean sure hard core liberals or conservatives choose to be so but imo it is the atmosphere, the saturation of the environment in which they work or their  friends and family or media or whatever but they are not really actually exercising real choice they are brainwashed.  If they can't even hear out someone they are beyond able to make an informed choice.  At least that is my opinion.  I tend to fall a little liberal, a little conservative and a little my own ideas that no one will entertain.  I am not progressive or libertarian either so there is no one (well there is one person but she doesn't participate AT ALL in social media) that backs my opinions up or a group I can go to who will put forth my views or already have them - it simply doesn't exist.  So I guess from now on instead of voting for a president I will vote independent and only vote the issues cuz it has been years and years since I have actually liked one of the candidates that actually made it into the running.

There are a couple people I know who DO actually read both sides and will sometimes vote liberal and sometimes conservative but they are rare birds indeed and they tend to not even bother trying to argue with anyone about it - cuz they know those people aren't really listening - and I should take a cue from them!  And not bother arguing my opinion too because it almost always ends with me either losing a friend or in tears because people are sooo mean now or just in a bad mood for most of the rest of the day.  I refuse to do the name calling thing unless you take me to where I am now psychotic which happened once last October and was a disaster - I lost all sense of reality LOLOLOLOL but when I am out of my head first off I am sooo out of my head I don't even remember it and I am TRULY not with it anymore - delusional - that is thinking stuff logically that just isn't factually true - my logic still works - I am still just as smart but what I am saying is nonsense because it is coming from a crazy place and it can be very convincing to people - they actually believe I believe what I am saying because I am smart and that doesn't stop when I am delusional and why it is SUCH a burden sometimes to be bipolar.  I have to apologize to people at least 2-3 times a year for going off on them where I don't even remember the exchange just become aware afterwards whoops slipped into LA LA LAND I wonder just what happened and I have to go fact checking to find out.  So even though I have no control over this I still pay the consequences.  So best just not even get into debates at all.  Some people see this as wasting a good mind but they are not experiencing the consequences!!!!!  And this has little to do with empathy but I feel soooo bad in these exchanges it literally takes me out for 2-3 days at a time sometimes and sometimes even longer than that - so idk if it is because I am so bewildered that people can be such bullies or if I am feeling both my anger and pain plus their anger and pain but it does things to me that are just inhuman - the pain is INCREDIBLE!/beyond what humans can bear!  I just lose my shit!!! LOLOLOLOL

Anyhoo sorry to end on an off note but my headache has come back interestingly right after I ate and I am tired again - and it was a very low carb meal so idk why eating is affecting me this way except maybe your blood pressure goes up a bit after you eat or down or something happens idk what but I get tired and my head hurts likely cuz I really do have a concussion.   If it doesn't go away soon I WILL call the doctor damnit lOLOLOLOLOL

Day 2 4/26/20 concussion - empath

Okay yea I am decidedly dizzy, weak, tired and headachy but I have made no huge changes.  One minor change is intaking way more carbs than I normally do - but can that cause dizziness?  I mean I try to eat mostly protein, fat, vegetables however I have not been strict about it so that a few days of taking in more than double the carbs I normally get shouldn't lead to dizziness - hunger and sleepiness maybe but not dizziness/headachy-ness.  So, I think I did do some damage to my poor head.  My sis, an RN, says I would know by now if there were something seriously wrong and that it can take weeks for a concussion to heal - it's been 11 days.  So plan of action:  cut way back on carbs,  no drinking today, gardening is off (or maybe try when it cools off but if bending over hurts my head stop), take it easy but do do exercises from PT, make certain take meds exactly and vitamins exactly, try a sleep app (I have been waking when the tv turns off so 2-3 hrs after going to bed and that's an annoyance and I think I really need some good sleep) and tomorrow in addition to veggie drink add a cup of espresso.  Let's see if I can turn this around hmm?

So how do I feel today?  I am kinda sad that I don't feel well but otherwise I am of good cheer, slightly serious mood but not officially down n out at  all.

What about the empath thing?  Well I think I have already concluded everyone (except perhaps psychopaths n the like or people with damaged hardware/brain) is at least somewhat an empath and like almost all human behavior people lie somewhere on a bell curve.  I am probably not in the middle of the bell curve but on the far outside but I DO know people who are even more sensitive than I and therefore not the extreme far side and I don't know that it has been studied enough to put stats on it but I am guessing about 5% of the population or thereabouts is on the ending part of the curve (some aware of it some not) and less than 1% on the extreme far side of the end (they would definitely be aware of it but might not know what it is).  The reason I know a disproportionate number of empaths is likely the birds of a feather thing and the fact that I participate in spiritual groups online so naturally I am gonna run into more of them than people who do not follow this stuff.

I know people who claim they can forsee the future in dreams and some in visions.  I know people who can remote view (visit a place psychically and describe it) on command.  I know people who can remove unwanted attachments (ghosts n demons n the like) and I have removed an attachment from someone and took it on myself in order to take myself to a friend who I knew for sure could get rid of it - a very uncomfortable thing to do.  I have what are called some clair-senses - now and again I hear the answer to a question I am asking someone before they say it for example I ask someone how many children do they have, the number 6 pops up in my head and the person says 6.  This is not  a very handy tool as the answer generally follows straight away LOLOLOLOL.  However it is possible that I could develop this tool?/skill?/talent? by practicing (and I am not sure if this is like mind-reading or just a knowing).  I can affect others at a distance.  This I had been only slightly aware of prior to a friend running a little experiment on me and now I know for sure that I can affect people physically/emotionally no matter how far away they are without communicating verbally or in any other way at the time of doing it.  I had been aware of this previously due to Wicca actually and some practice of Reiki.  I have done healing on people effectively and I do continue to do that although not as often as I used to.

I kinda fell away from Wicca.  In my studies of religion I find that I am more a mystic than a pagan.  In Judaism, Gnostic Christianity, Hinduism and Buddhism (and even some very small groups of Islam I forget their name there are some  mystical sects who ring my bells so to say) there are all mystical branches or sects and their thinking is remarkably similar to each other and I tend towards that more than a Wiccan point of view HOWEVER I DO find out of all practices (sans African drums/dancing and I would guess voodoo as well but I have little interest in that) they are most effective in terms of getting results that one can notice so when my cat is lost or someone else has lost a pet a Wiccan ritual will usually bring them round or if someone is ill it is helpful although this is far from easy to tell as often people will ask for help, say on facebook, but then not say later that they are well or for whatever reason I don't find out the results.  And more so sometimes for reasons only the universe knows it is for the person's best that they have to deal with illness or death and beyond that small measures of improvement are not often reported YET there have been studies demonstrating that prayer works and I believe that it does and have had enough positive results to confirm in my mind anyway that prayer (in combo with ritual more so) is helpful in healing.

Okay and so what is my point?  Well a couple things I almost never pray for myself.  WHY???  And why did I slow way down on doing rituals for others to begin with?  It is not lack of interest or care so what is it.  Had I become a bit jaded? or discouraged? or was it that extended depression when my mom died and I went off pain killers about 3 months previously which that alone can put one in a chemical depression but the combo is a one-two punch.  I guess the major question tho because we are after all talking about me (even as odd as that may be) is why have I not been doing rituals for my own well-being?  It is not a lack of belief.  It could be that I for whatever reason do not think that I am worth the effort??!!  .... well and that kinda stops me in my tracks.  I mean it is something I have questioned before but never followed up on.  Now putting it on paper so to say one does need to actually follow that up with some pondering or experimenting or something right?

And with that I am going to stop for now as I am perplexed.  I do not know the answer.  I DO know that I have trouble trusting myself - maybe that is why.  And maybe that is why also I don't meddle with others near as much as I used to - by meddle I just mean try to heal LOL.  Still in Wicca one does not do rituals for folks without their permission - I kinda put a qualifier on this - if people ask for prayer I figure Wiccan ritual is no different than Catholic transubstantiation (communion) therefore a petition for prayer is acceptance that you'll get any variety LOL that people have to offer.  And at this point I think I am actually far enough away from Wicca that if someone were to ask me personally to pray for them (well and attitudes have changed about prayer people are now much more aware than say 20 years ago that prayers can come from a variety of religious practices) I would just do my normal ritual for healing and not even bother to ask them if that's okay.  I wouldn't go so far as to do a ritual for someone who has not asked for prayer for healing - but I DO continue to pray in a more traditional Christian fashion for a variety of reasons including for people who are ill or hurting but have not specifically asked for prayers... but still very very rarely for myself.  In fact the only times I have prayed ardently for myself (besides when I was a child) were 2 - 1. was when  I was suicidal I prayed long and loudly at God/dess/IT/ALL/ONE whatever you call it to please take my life and swore at IT in the morning when I woke up and 2. was when I was dealing with a pretty heavy duty case of alcoholism and I went to AA and they suggested prayer and I kinda half-heartedly but DID pray for my own healing.  That's not to say I don't ever talk to IT I do but more in a conversational sense not in petition for something.  More than anything I make jokes at IT in a pleasant way eg:  YOU saw this coming didn't YOU??!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL  Or a mild form of cursing eg bless the Goddess, lords and ladies I swear blah blah blah LOLOLOLOLOL whatever I am asserting at the moment LOL.  (mmm writing makes my head hurt worse!!!)

day 1 1/2 - not even

Okay so I just stopped writing maybe 20 minutes ago and already have something else to say.  People often feel like they can tell me anything.  Not always - some folks never let people in EVER or extremely rarely.  I had thought for a very long time it was because I myself am open with others.  I thought that the fact that I make myself vulnerable to others by sharing my feelings and being honest that that helped others to let down their guard and hence why people feel they can like tell me day one some of their deepest darkest stuff.  But what if that is not the reason at all.  Maybe I do not have to make myself vulnerable with people in order to get them to open up.  Maybe they do so for an entirely different reason and maybe that reason is because I appear to be very understanding/empathetic.  I guess my question is is it obvious to others that I am this way?  My friends have told me it is obvious to them - blatantly obvious.  Why is it not obvious to me?

Let's just quickly go over some of the reported I don't know what to call them signs? symptoms?  LOL of what describes an empath:  they are often uncomfortable in groups; when around others they feel like they literally feel their pain, joy, rage, etc; they can sense the energy of a room and much more often than your regular joe they choose to leave spaces where the energy is uncomfortable - usually places with people in them but not universally; they often feel much of their life like they don't quite fit in; they value alone time (NEED it) regardless of whether they are introverts or extroveerts; they say they can catch when folks are lying.  I'm sure there are other descriptions more ..... descriptive LOL but those are the main ones I have seen over and over. 

All apply to me except for the lie-detector.  I am terribly gullible and only catch people lying when they are feeling strongly different than the words that come out their mouths.  So I am only a lie-detector when it is about something involving emotions - if they told me they went to Jack-in-the-box and really they went to McDonald's I will  NOT catch it - but if they say they are comfortable when they are in pain I WILL catch it.  Only sometimes will I call them on it because I figure it is their business and if they wanted me to know they'd tell me.  The only time I confront them is when I feel like I can actually be a help to them and usually but not always I am right in that regard which ends in a long story and sometimes tears, many times laughter and most always relief even if I had to play some devil's advocate with them to get them there.  So I have played counselor quite often in my life.  Like literally in almost every exchange with people do they tell me what's going on with them and seek my help and how I come to know many people too as usually, not always, we end up friendly.

There are a few exceptions. I have one friend who does not open up to me with everything and maintains a space between us and this is actually rather a huge relief in that I am able to express myself much more than I do with others.  Another exception is my sister - she has known me so long that I doubt seriously she could think of me as anything but her sister so if asked is Cyn an empath?, I think she would go HUH? never thought about it idk.  Because why would she - when you grow up knowing each other all your life you can't really accurately judge each other because you are literally too close to the subject to be objective.  It would be like asking her is Cynthia bipolar - well if a dr never had dxd me with it and my family come to know it even though she is a nurse it is doubtful in my mind anyway that it would ever occur to her that I might be..... well and any other dx would have been just as easily accepted once outted by a doc and told to my family so.... it's like a non-issue (she would have surely thought I had some kind of anxiety issue or some depression or some kind of something because for many years I was obviously symptomatic but bipolar? I doubt it) and with her I am too close to her to catch only but obvious lies (and she doesn't lie well or often LOL) and I would never confront her on them as she knows she can talk to me if she needs to.

Other than those relationships most people if we are one on one will open up with me and tell me all kinds of stuff that they might not normally talk to anyone about - it usually happens initially upon first contact and thereafter I establish some boundaries as I am not anyone's shrink and only help out where I feel like I actually have input that will actually be helpful.  Course with people I am super close with I say what's on my mind and boundaries are less an issue but with new people just for my own mental health I will usually be open and helpful at first if someone is needing some help but then back off a touch if they are wanting a constant shoulder to cry on.  I will reiterate whatever was my first advise in different words, confirm/validate that I understand but that beyond what I can offer I cannot give for usually obvious reasons.  I generally do alot more listening in my relationships than talking with the one exception I mentioned. 

Sometimes if someone is on the edge of a decision I will offer to do a reading for them.  Tarot is easy for me and I think most people if they give it an honest go will find it is easy for them too (one of the reasons I think we are all empaths - just matter of degree in terms of sensitivity makes one a mmm true? empath?)  But maybe I am wrong maybe your average joe would find tarot difficult - truly that is usually a nonissue too because generally only sensitives will actually put in the effort to learn anyway.  In any case, it works 99.9% of the time to be absolutely on target and helpful in aiding the person making said decision.  There have been times with people who go in knowing I can read where I surprise them with stuff they were not ready to talk to ANYONE about and I don't know that.  I just read the cards and their reaction tells me all I need to know LOLOLOLOLOL.  Unfortunately every once in a while this ends with the person being taken off guard and admitting perhaps with some discomfort that they planned on telling no one that and then either say they will use the info but don't wish to discuss it or a whole new story starts up and then we discuss how to resolve it.

Okay and so now it's day two (a couple paragraphs back) 11am, I took meds, had a probiotic prebiotic vegi drink, feel okay but still tired even though I slept probably about 7 hours.  I may or may not write again today later.   Oh and I have been feeling lazy and irritated with myself because I am not wanting to move the last few days however I did hit my head and it does still hurt so maybe some symptoms of a concussion going on - hopefully not leading to a downturn in mood.  And I want to garden today if I can work up the energy and maybe do some housecleaning - for sure some cooking.  And some social media business and accounting.

WHY? Cyn's Stupid Journal Already!! ??

Because I don't like journaling.  I mean I love journals.  I love the way books feel and smell and I love to read legible handwriting.  I love handwriting that looks professional and all perfect or cutesy writing that looks whimsical with like little cutesy doodles or pics to go with it or even block letter handwriting so long as it doesn't hurt to read it.  But every time I write someone a note they say "can't read it what does it say??"  And I don't blame em either cuz I can't read my handwriting either!  No joke no exaggeration I look at it years later and it might as well be in another language you truly can barely make out which side of the paper is up it is so bad. LOL I should have been a doctor!!!

But is that reason enough not to journal? NO - I also never remember to write in the damn things then weeks go by and someone asks me about it and I am like oh yea I did start a journal huh??  That is how very far from my memory it slips!!  Well and to top it off I feel almost like it is invasive the process of journaling to myself no less!!! LOLOLOLOLOL  Like I don't have the right to plumb these depths and surely no one else has the right to either (minus shrinks who I do tell truth to - actually I am one of those nasty arses that almost always says exactly what's on her mind without a filter on it LOL but I have grown at least somewhat in that now I speak a good bit less - for fear I hurt someone mostly).

So what does a modern woman who loses her keys daily, is very forgetful and cannot write even a thank you note that anyone can read but does remember that blogging wasn't the end of the world do? (talk about first world problems LOL) - she blogs as if anyone could give a rat's you know what (aha she used a filter LOL) about what I have to say about myself.  So why write as if to an audience then? hmmmm idk maybe it is more palatable than writing to myself??  I mean it IS a weird concept no?  writing to yourself about yourself??  Surely TONS of people do just that but it seems odd to me.

So here I am it is time to journal - do I even have anything to say?  I was told by a friend to just write positive stuff about myself and things that I enjoy etc but that sounds awfully boring to me.  I could do the exact opposite and rehash old injuries and boy do I have some tales to tell you!!  But I have kinda been there, done that.  So what's left?  I am going to go with how I feel today.  It's a start anyway.

I am annoyed!  Because I feel like I HAVE to journal and I'm annoyed about the reason why.  The reason is because one issue keeps shoving it's head up my life over and over the last couple years and I am not wanting to face it.  EMPATH!!!  I don't even like the word anymore.  At first (like 15-20 years ago) when it became a thing to talk about I'd read articles on it and go oh yea that's me.  But then it seemed to me all the sudden all my friends were empaths too.  Then I noticed that all the things I was reading about them were negative and I am like hello the very last thing I need is another diagnosis!!!  So I just put the whole thing aside and said screw it I have enough to worry about as it is (I have bipolar 1 disorder and I DID have lupus and dr says it could come back but says I only suffer degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia now - only!!  but believe me that's much better than lupus so I am grateful for whatever time I get without it!).  And as it turns out birds of a feather DO flock together and my friends weren't just glamming onto the new thing to be and are in fact empaths also LOL.  But at the time I had thought this is a bunch of baloney if it's so different then how come everyone says they are!!  I STILL feel like it is waaaay over used OR that everyone is an empath just some people are alot more sensitive than others is all.  I am the overly sensitive person.  People are always saying you are sooo sensitive!!  And it's true.  I can dish it out but I have a very hard time taking it what's more I have an even worse time if someone else is taking it so to say - that is if someone is in pain I am just over-the-edge uncomfortable and with them every bit of it.  Oddly enough I enjoy some physical pain (on my terms of course) like getting tats for instance or in bed LOL.

Anyhoo that seems enough for day one journal - to sum up I hate journaling so I am blogging instead and the topic shall be wth is an empath and am I one and if so why did I get the advise from multiple people to journal and how is this going to help me - or at least that is the topic for now!!  LOL

Oh and just a few note taking - I am drinking but not much.  I have been sleepy lately not sure if it's cuz I got a concussion about 10 days ago but my head still hurts and I did take my meds today and eat twice and drink plenty of water - oh shoot I forgot vitamins.  If I have a snack I hope I remember to take those.  end of day 1 WHEW LOL :)