day 5 4/29/20 argument and alcohol

I am soooo angry with my friend.  I feel like she was just dumping her emotions right on top of me.  I understand we do this rather regularly and maybe I have let it get out of hand.  I want to be helpful to her but not to the point where it hurts me physically, emotionally and spiritually and to where it takes hours to recover.  And I am not sure I am even all that helpful when she is downloading onto me if I get so whacked out over it I lose it too.  That just puts us BOTH in a bad place.  And I need to learn how to shield myself from others' emotions so that I am not feeling their rage and pain to the point where it hurts me just as much or more than them!  Well and I became soo angry and I think not so much that I was angry with her but I just took on her anger and reacted angrily because I had finally gotten to a good place myself only to go right back down into a bad place and I was resentful to her for ruining what HAD been a great evening.  But whatever it is my responsibility to take care of myself and I did that best I could. I put the phones in a drawer and tried to relax and then finally went to bed and slept about 4 hrs.  I did take my meds regularly yesterday - the party knocked me off my diet but it was worth it.

Okay so today I wanna finish cleaning the house up some more, make some soap and do some work on the computer.  Tomorrow before PT I wanna stop at a few places and drop off some hand sanitizer samples and my card and suggest wholesale business with them.  The samples are ready to go.  I just have to find some good places to do that.

I feel alright my back and foot hurt some but my head is okay - only a very small amount of vertigo upon sitting up from bed.  Emotionally I am more on an even keel than last night but I am edgy - I just really wish I hadn't talked to her at all because I think I would have slept better and I think I wouldn't wake up still angry and on edge.

Okay so I woke at like idk 430 I guess and by 10am felt like half the day was over and was still hurting and angry so decided alcohol will fix that and it did and I shall go to bed early LOL.  I wrote her and apologized for upsetting her even more than she already was - that certainly was not my intent although had I a choice I wouldn't have gone into that conversation last night in the first place but it seemed cool until all the sudden she is super not okay and then I am super not okay.  LOL  Oh well what can you do??  I was trying to be helpful for goodness sakes and I know she is terribly angry with me for not being a good enough sounding board for her which I don't think is at all fair but whatever.

So I spent the day making melt and pour toppings for soap and chatting with a newbie soaper about how to make soap.  I made some labels but didn't get near the amount of work done that I had wanted - although my foot is still messed up anyway so it's not like I could have done all that I wanted without suffering some consequences anyways.  It is good I spent a day largely off my foot as I think it is near healing now - it just slightly throbs now and seems a bit less painful when I walk and had I been on my feet all day surely it would have suffered.  So what are ya gonna do right?   But no more headache thank the lords and ladies above and no more dizziness or neasea either so I am happy my head at least seems to have mostly healed.  I can still feel it but it isn't much of anything now - I wouldn't call it pain just a slight pressure.  I am happy with that as I was worried just yesterday - now I am wondering why I had the vertigo I did - could it have been from stress instead of concussion?  I mean I hadn't been around anyone sans my sis and two of her kids for 20 minutes one evening for about a week - hadn't seen another face except on a screen and people including me get weird when they go long term with 100% isolation.  Last night did me a world of good until I got home LOL.

Okay also totally went off the diet - didn't feel like doing dishes and cooking or eating food already prepped as it seems too heavy for me today so instead have had some crackers and dip and that's it pretty much. I am not hungry.  I haven't done much of anything active so don't need the calories and I will take vitamins right now actually..

Okay so finally to the point of the darn journal - empath.  I don't know what if anything I can do about it.  I can try grounding and shielding in fact I should probably make a daily practice of it a couple times a day.  I just don't wanna have to deal with this but if I had been more grounded and if I had been shielded than maybe my friend wouldn't have upset me sooo terribly.  I mean it has nothing to do with me just her intensity got me all fired up and I am accustomed to that happening and I don't want that to happen anymore so I should do something about it plus grounding and shielding isn't a lengthy process or unpleasant it's just one more thing I have to remember and I have trouble remembering basic stuff like eating and taking meds but I am trying to challenge myself here so just do it Cyn!!!  FINE!!  Jeez - it's not a lazyness problem so much as it is a memory irritation problem - I am expecting that I am going to have to go out of my way to remember to do it - like put it on my todo list or put a sign on the damn wall.  I should probably do it upon waking instead of looking at my phone - in fact I probably spend altogether tooooo much time on my phone!!  And then sometime later in the day do it again - I should pick a time ugh.  Okay so when I wake and 5pm.  And tomorrow back to PT and get back on diet!!  Sigh - it just seems idk like doing dishes what you just did you gots to do again LOLOLOLOLOLOL  But maybe I am anticipating it being a big deal when in fact it may help me quite a bit otherwise why do it eh?  Let's try to go in with a better attitude hmm?

My nephew 16yrs yesterday!