5/17/20 love

Went to bed at 10p woke at 3a.  sigh

I woke feeling disgust and shame - these are so radically different emotions than what I am accustomed to it is frightening.  I am trying to be super kind to myself right now.  Just ya know mentally saying it's okay they are just emotions and I don't have to believe them or give them weight.  I DO love myself.  It took most my life to get to a place where this is absolutely true.  When I look in the mirror I smile at myself and think I''m awfully cute - which this is really obviously a subjective thing - certainly I was cuter when I was younger however I didn't recognize it then but actually thought I was ugly.  Now I don't think that at all.  I have grown accustomed to thinking I am sexy and pretty - regardless of whether this is true or not just believing it has made a huge difference in not only how I perceive myself but also how others perceive me.  So I am going to give myself a hug and a pat on the back on the back - literally - one CAN do this to oneself and mean it and it feel reassurring.  To me that would have seemed a ridiculous notion a decade ago and would have felt silly doing it but I just did and it doesn't feel silly at all.  I deserve it for many many reasons and it does feel good.  So maybe practice what that woman had told me to do for a while - which is write about what I like about myself and life in general.

I think I am beautiful and smart and sexy and fun.  I have a dark sense of humor and can seem jaded but also very vulnerable and honest and both radical and shy at the same time.  This is intriguing to people that I sooo put myself out there yet also show my soft side.  I am very genuine with people even when I am teasing I say so to make sure it is known that I am being facetious or silly on purpose.  I let people in to my life easily and I don't play head trips on folks and don't allow them to do so with me and if they do I will either play back just a touch or drop them or simply ignore them.  I love to be creative but I am very particular about what I do.  For instance I love to paint but I paint mostly landscapes and in oils.  I will stray from that from time to time.  But I like the way oils work on canvas and I like the mess and the smell of the turpentine and it just makes me feel legit an artist or something LOL.  I often find myself amusing and am easy to laugh at myself and usually don't take myself so seriously as I have been lately.  And I love that about myself - it is the only way to go really in life  It is wise to not take oneself too seriously.  I do have wisdom and I have earned it!

I love my home - it may not look like it right now but I do.  Maybe I will do some decorating.  Funny a friend said I should really make it my space but anyone who knows me could look at this house and say for sure this is Cynthia's house as it DOES look like I live here what with all the wiccan stuff scattered about, the painting and soaping stuff and the general disaray.  At least I know where most everything is located even if it looks like a disaster zone LOL.  I love my pond (that I share with a few other homes).  It is 3.5 acres and when I look outside it looks like I am the only one who lives here as my neighbors are spaced out and across the pond is no one.  It is comforting in the quietness yet living in the city limits I have immediate access to everything.

I'm going to have some jasmine green tea and listen to nature sounds on youtube.  I have a really good friend who I know wants to talk and I want to please her but right now I am not up for anything loud or silly or anything even slightly dramatic or anything serious sooooo... that doesn't leave much excpet for quiet and we don't do quiet well - we are loud and obnoxious which I love about us but am not ready for right this moment.  Maybe later.

Today I am going to my nephew's graduation party.  This is the first time the whole family has gotten together since Covid19.  I do believe the restrictions against meeting in gatherings exceeding 10 has been lifted but I am not sure - I think it is a calculated risk but I am not the only one feeling blue and we all just really need this for various reasons.  I need to do everything in my power to keep my mood light enough to attend this gathering.  I have gas in my car.  I need only shower do my hair and makeup dress and go spend a couple hours and come back.  Hopefully it will aid me get back on my feet.

The witch is in

soaps

painting half done

taking belbuca but cannot find the Vraylar which I know I just filled not too long ago - grr. LOL  This house is such a mess no wonder I can't find it!!  

When the sun comes up I shall water my plants and then take a shower and at 1040a leave to go to the graduation party.